Utopia

I leave next Tuesday.
Less than a week.
And the things on my mind, they aren't very deep.
I am losing heart, I am losing sleep.

1. You have proven to be nothing but bullshit. I will always love you, I promise, but I will not always be kind or care most of the time. I ain't waiting, but I'm still holding on. Somewhere. Somewhere back there.

I just want to get a few things fixed. I should think more long-term. There are some health issues that should be addressed, and I'll do that while I'm in. After that though, after I fix all that, I'll feel more free than ever. Ever ever.

I've been going to yoga. I love it. I started running. It's hard but it will be totally worth it. Dieting is still hard as fuck, but I mean whatever. My life will be better once I leave. I'm starting from the bottom.

I miss the happiness and satisfaction I felt when I first got to North Carolina.
I wish that time wasn't ruined.
My life would be so different. I know.

I'm in North Carolina again. I felt it would be wise to come back down to live for a while to get this whole airforce thing on the ball. I can tell already its going to be hard to break my sloth-like habits and start doing what I came here for. I miss my friends. Really though, I'm breaking my own heart. I can tell it sags with lack of love. Sometimes you have to sacrifice things to get what you want, for the benefit of the future I mean. Lord knows had plenty to be happy about in Fredericksburg. But I made a commitment, one that will make me learn greatly.

So anyway today I have things I should do:

1. Take a shower
2.  Make up this bed
3. Clean out my car
4. Buy sports bras
5. Exercize
6. Read

Field Hockey made me feel mentally & physically challenged.

I am so insecure.

Sigh. Some people let their lives fall down right before them. Some people just don't care anymore. They found their other half. Now they're done. Done. Done. Where did her spirit go? I miss her happiness. I miss her. But I can't make her smile anymore. I can't cheer up her heart. She's obsessed in love. And thats fine. It happens to everyone. It happened to me. We've always been two different people but we've always gotten along. I don't know. Now its nothing. She doesn't care if she's my friend or not. She doesn't need me. I've experienced it before and there's nothing I can do.

Nothing but family and Aaron now.

Anyways.
I'm gonna go do something.

I am having grim thoughts. I don't believe in myself sometimes. With some people. I don't want it to be that way. I don't want to be a lone wolf. I don't want to be a hermit. I don't want to be dirty. Disrespectful. I want to be successful. I want to get shit done. I want to learn my languages, play my instruments, LIVE MY LIFE WITH OTHER INTERESTING PEOPLE IN INTERESTING PLACES DOING INTERESTING THINGS. I DONT WANT TO FEAR ANYONE, ANYTHING, ANYWHERE. My excitement for the airforce is fading, fading, fading, everyday the more I think about it, the more I hate myself for it. Its so lazy. Its so pathetic. Its so lame. Why can't I find my own way? Why can't I live my own life? Why do I have to ask someone to give it to me? Why? Why? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? Why do I want to leave so bad? BECAUSE IM RUNNING AWAY? I am going crazy. This is what I wanted. I wanted crazyness. But its not going to change me tonight, I won't be different tomorrow. I'll be the same. The same lost, talentless, hopeless, pathetic girl. I'll be the same. But I want to leave the country without their aide. I want to be out of the governments hands. But how? How can I accomplish this? How can I do it without feeling like I gave up? Without feeling like I cheated? How can I do it and feel proud like I know I would? HOW HOW HOW HW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW? WHO? WHOW HOW HOW HO? WO? WHO? WHO?WHO? AM I? 

WHO do I want to be? HOW do I get there? WHY arent I doing that? WHERE do I go? WHAT do I do? WHEN do I start?

I'm so mad at myself. I'm so mad. I'm so mad at myself. I'm so mad. Today is a start. Its a start of a new era. It starts with OUR LEADERS???? FUCK LEADERS????? FUCK LEADERS!!!!!

"So many of the people I know are joining the military. Its weird because they used to be so anti-government."
"Is money really that important?"
"Haven't you just thought of buying a plane ticket?"
"Find a rich man."
"I'm almost 25 years old and have no idea what I want to do with life."
"I'm proud of you."

I want to tear it all apart. I want to burn it down. I want to eat the very idea. Devour it and excrete it in its worthless form.

But what will I be left with. Should I be scared. Should it be my fuel.

I will not fail. At my own game.
I will not . I will become somebody. Somebody I admire. Somebody. Somebody. Somebody I made. I molded. Not the government's bitch. Not the world's bitch. Not the peoples' bitch. Not a man's bitch. Not my own bitch.

But maybe thats not possible. Its not possible. We're all a bitch to something. Many things.










 

I really like working at Joe's. The money isn't that amazing, but its fun and its enough for now. Everyone is really nice and there's already been some love drama. Fun stuff.

John is a dick. Still. Again. I just want to be his FRIEND. why is that so hard for him. 

Our friendship is just a slow death. "A snail walking toward the fire."

Haha actually its already dead. Now its just a narcoleptic zombie.

But how can anyone give an honest answer if they're confused?
I'm wakling down this empty street. Its raining so there's a pleasant sound of thousands of tiny splashes going on around me. It reminds me of tv static except this type of static has a liquid bite to it. My slip-ons are wet now and I'm not wearing any socks. I don't mind for the time being. I'm not far from home. My hood is on. My face is wet. My hands are in my pocket. I'm smiling. The cold water is smacking my face smiting me for the foolish wrongs I indulge in. One step at a time, my feet are also giving a small-smacking to the pavement. In this moment I get the desire to slide gracefully to any destination I gain. To spin and to lean in the direction I please. Reality always sneaks in the middle of my daydreams. I come to a 4 way stop. The amber street light give this night some scary shadows momentarily getting visions of murder, violence, and other such down-sides to life. Still I shrug my shoulders and look to my left; abandoned. I look to my right; Sebastian the cat taking shelter under a PT cruiser. He looks at me probably hating me at the same time. I pet him every dry day but refuse to let him in. He doesn't know though that he's better off in the wild. It may be a rough life sometimes but its more beautiful than being forced behind doors.

Its become apparent that my outlook on this walk has gotten progressively worse. I finally step off the sidewalk to cross to the other. I'm on the other side and my apartment is only two doors away. My thoughts are interrupted by a man who opens one of those doors and steps outside for a cigarette.

"Hello. How're you," he said more out of politeness rather than curiosity. But instead of continuing my strides I stopped at gave him a good look. "Hi. I'm alright...just walking in the rain enhancing my chances of getting sick. How are YOU?"
He gave a smirk and said, "I'm fine...just indulging in my addictions. And thats not very smart of you. Do you live far from here?"
I laughed. "Sir, I only live two doors down. Have whatever type of night tonight gives you."

I unlock my door and walk in. The place is a mess. It has such potential to be charming and sophisticated. But its not. Its disgusting and pathetic. I scorn my roomates for a minute before admitting its partially my fault too. Definitely.


Its been a while since me and my love have hung out. Its going pretty well. I'm glad to be in his company again, I'm glad there's finally peace. I'm sitting on the top part of a bench and he's standing in front of me. He decides he has to tell me something.

"I'm leaving soon and won't be back till May."
My stomach drops. "But when are you leaving?"
"In two days."
My stomach dropped lower. I'm sure I have the 'but no!" look on my face because thats exactly what I'm feeling. We finally get to a point in out lives where everything is even and he has to go. Again. To place I won't be able to reach him. To a place where there's no hope. It hurts me that our fate has to be like this. We have to lose each other. And its been such a tortorous process. Over the course of 3 years barely anything of value has been said, done. Only emotions have been felt. Thats all. 

 I grab his head in my hands and guide him closer to me. I almost cry. I hug him. I look away and accept this is how it will always be.

When I wake up I ask myself how and why I can cry over him in my dreams.
 

The way I want to look in your eyes might scare you. The way I want to hold your head in my hands might make you wonder. The way I can cry over you in my dreams makes me think there's something else I'm ignoring all too greatly. The way I keep on forgiving makes me feel like a fool. The way you keep on making mistakes, careless gestures, selfish acts makes me want to give up. But I never do...just like you never gave up our friendship before.  

 

 

Sometimes I find myself loving things of no benefit to me
Sometimes I judge the innocent and forgive the guilty

I am O-fishally a server. Payday's everyday! 

Anyway. I'm bored as fuck right now. Nina and Aaron are at the Red Skin's game. Nina got her way.
What else is going on? Nothin much I suppose. Nothin much.
John called.
Intoxicated.
Surprise, surprise.

But I like to hear from him...cause I'm massochist.

Its weird. Everybody feels like a stranger. I'm wondering if this happens to everyone as they get older.
I should do something productive. Yup. I'll do that.

I'm not a poet anymore. What happened.

I really think thats how its been all along and how it will always be. I'm anxious to see what comes next but I'm doubtful of its substance. I want to see you there but I don't really want you near. You lock certain doors, you shut off certain lights, the labyrinth of you only creates dead ends for me and I'm just so tired of it.

There are things you do and say that I'll never relate to. 
I was too late, and now you are too. 
I just don't know what to do. I don't want to do what may fix us.
I don't feel like i'm willing to try that hard.

Its official. John is the biggest peace of shit in the shit haven of America, and I kind of hope he loses a leg.

Otherwise. Today's another day.

I got another hosting job today at some random cheap little Italian restaurant called Castiglias. But I need some income so I'm okay with it until I get a better job where I can serve.

There is no one in this world that can make me feel a deeper sadness than my parents.

Good thoughts, good thoughts
Good thoughts, good thoughts
Only good thoughts, thats all
Nothing more, good thoughts.

At least SHE's convinced she knows who she is
At least that means EVERYBODY ELSE can let their guard down
And feel free to fuck around.
FUCK AROUND.

I don't think I'll be able to FUCK AROUND until I get something STRAIGHTENED OUT
As the cars labor by, As the sun floats in the sky, as our feet walk very shy, as we fail to meet eye to eye,
As the cats watch us walk, not caring but daring to run away like you and I, but it doesnt know our troubles,
As the buildings stand tall, Making us feel comfortable and small, As the insane wobble slowly, as the crazy make-believe,
As the benches get more dirty, and as time passes I start to worry.

Who the damn are you? there is no way in hell that you know. With me you don't know at all.
 

 

i am a magician and i do my act everyday. i pull the rabbit out of my top hat and everyone claps and is surprised! i smile and say thank you, come see me again, i would love it greatly.
i fell in love with you and you became the it i loved greatly. the dessert of my life, an unneccessary sin, but i took it gratefully. i woke up one morning and went to grab the rabbit out of my top hat, but i felt nothing but the bottom of my top hat. Or would it be the top of my top hat? I don't know, but i've never felt it before...My furry friend, he's always been there for me...You said you'd always be there for me. Where are you now? Have you inhabited somebody else's top hat? How could you? After what I did for you? After all the joy...

I am broke now. Who wants to see a magician with a trickless act?

turns out im only motivated to work out when i have something that is annoying me otherwise.
ive been thinking a lot and im really confused. it seems now that i have no reason to like john.
we;ve never gotten along. the attraction we seemed to have for each other in the past now seems completely delusional.
he has no reason to respect me. i think.
and i respect him, but i shouldnt.
do we have anything in common at all?
has our potential been an abstract theory this whole time?
i find it very bizarre. before i used to see hope with us. even with a friendship.
now...not at all.
whats between us is stronger than our faith in eachother.

anyway.
monday im going to stalk candy minniffee and shove my progress in her face.
i have no point in being here.